Grief for My Father

 So, my father died two weeks ago.

I haven't really told anyone at work who didn't already know him, and a few people who did have come to me to express their condolences. But the reason I avoid talking about it isn't what I think people expect, which is mainly why I avoid talking about it.

How do I tell people that I wasn't close with my father, and that even saying that is an understatement? How do I tell people who are genuinely concerned for my emotional state that my biggest concern in Dad's passing is what I'm going to say at the memorial, if I choose to speak at all. How will people hear me saying that I can't remember one actual, meaningful activity with my father? That I couldn't tell you what hobbies or pursuits he was into, other than watching old cowboy shows and spending money on cowboy boots and cowboy hats so he could look like the guys in the cowboy shows?

How do I tell people that my father consistently made decisions that not only kept his children at a distance, but traumatically harmed them as well? 

If you looked up the word neglect in the dictionary, you wouldn't find a picture of my father there, because we didn't take pictures and if we did, he wouldn't be doing much. His world was very insular, a lonely little planet with not much vegetation and even less beauty. I hear other people talk about their father's absence, and blaming it on other pursuits. Their dad wasn't around for them because he was focused on making money, or following some sport or another, or always with his dudes off doing dude stuff. Not to diminish their experience, but I wish I could say that. I wish I could stand up at the memorial and say, "My father wasn't around for us kids, but look at all the money he made." Or maybe "I didn't know my dad very well at all, but he sure loved the Heat." Even if I could say, "My dad was kind of a mystery to us at home, but look at all these die-hard friendships he built." I don't know a single friend he had. My mom has friends, and I can even name a handful of them. I can't even name all my dad's siblings, because he never bothered much to make them a part of our lives either.

And the worst part about it is that I'm constantly on guard for those same qualities in myself. I'm a writer. Not for nothing, but I do enjoy my solitude. I like my own company, and the company of fictional people. But I have to remember to touch grass, to open the gates of the pillow fort and let the wife and kids come in to play too. At least my kids would be able to name a bunch of things their father enjoyed doing, things he was passionate about - writing, exercise, video games, Spider-Man. Plus I try to get involved in the things they like as well. Bluey is a darn fine show, and Miraculous: Tales of Ladybug and Cat Noir is a top flight superhero show and I will die on that hill with a red and black-polka-dotted flag in both hands. 

A student asked me the other day what my favorite car is, and I really don't have one. I don't put a lot of thought into those things. So, then it was my favorite possession. I couldn't really name something that I couldn't live without or couldn't replace if I lost. I just don't like spending a lot of money on things - possibly another thing I got from my folks. But these vacations, I love spending money on vacations. I love having adventures with my family, whether that means theme parks and rides, or camping and outdoors, or finding new places to play and explore in the neighborhood. I want my children to have exactly the opposite problem at my memorial than I'm having with my father. Instead of having a difficult time remembering one fun or meaningful memory with their dad, I want them to worry about narrowing down the list of hundreds. I want them to have to sort out all the pictures, even though I hate taking them. I want them to have arguments about which trips were the best, or which pranks and jokes were the funniest, or which routines were most personal to them.

So it's not that I'm not grieving. I'm not sad, that's for sure, at least no sadder than I was before. I'm not regretful, because we did our best to take care of Dad in his last years, out of compassion, honor, and concern for his dignity. Honestly, my sister did the majority of the heavy lifting there, and his last days were as comfortable as possible. His body had grown weaker, and the Alzheimer's had robbed him of some of his memories, but that last year in the home passed like most of the years before it - Dad sitting in his chair, watching his shows, asking for his food when he got hungry, and generally choosing not to interact with the people around him, even when we came to visit. It's hard to grieve when there was no connection for death to sever, but if I'm grieving, it's because I'm lamenting the father that I could have had, the stories I could have told about him, the community I could have seen impacted by his presence and saddened by his passing.

And I'm grieving the paternal skills that I never got. I started my parenting journey with exactly zero tools in my toolbox. My oldest kids are very aware that they had a different, and, shall we say, less skilled father than the littles have now. One by one, I've had to add parenting tools to my collection, and most of them are tools I didn't know I needed until I broke something or messed something up and had to repair it. My family is odd, four kids with a 22 year difference between the oldest and youngest, grand-kids the same age as their auntie. There was a time when I said I was done with having kids, that I would be 45 and free, finished with parenting and ready to move on to the next phase. Now I realize that sounded a lot like my father talking. So, while they were surprises, I'm glad for every extra chance I've gotten to be a father, and grandfather, too, to build those relationships that my father never bothered to build. 

What Radicalized You?

It's getting so hot politically that it's hard to keep up with every scandal. I'm old enough to remember when Israel bombed Iran a couple of days before a schedule peace negotiation, and then the U.S. President bombed Iran a few days after that, and then both countries invited Iran to negotiate a peace treaty. It was all the news could talk about for a week, and then other stuff happened, so everyone moved on. We're hit with so many outrageous events so quickly that we can't keep up. Either the news agencies don't have the stamina to stay on the most important issues, like a looming potential Middle East war, or there are just too many important issues to stick with any of them. 

And it feels like every time something crazy happens, like preemptively bombing Iran, a lot of people just square up on the sides they've committed to and hold that party line, no matter what. Still, I'm seeing some cracks in the dam of partisan politics. More and more, one question I keep hearing on different sides is, "What radicalized you?" In other words, what event or person made you drop your defenses a little and start seeing the logic and value in the other side's way of thinking. What made you angry enough with your fellows that you left the tribe? In church terms, the word is exvangelical, meaning someone who still thinks of themselves as a believer, but has questioned or even abandoned the politics of their evangelical church tradition. This might mean they have developed a deeper faith, a weaker faith, or lost faith entirely. The same is true for political parties. I'm encouraged when I see town hall meetings and folks shouting at their representatives, often ones they voted for, and demanding answers and accountability.

For me, I got radicalized somewhat early. I was always a skeptic, but I also grew up in a very multi-ethnic place, where I was usually the minority as a white kid. I remember hearing about the evils of rock music in church and thinking, "Yeah, I guess. I can count on one hand the people I know who listen to that and still play Chopsticks on the piano at the same time." But when I heard politicians saying derogatory things about rappers or other elements of the Black or Caribbean community, I knew they were lying. I had too many voices in my ear telling me they were wrong, too many examples that didn't support their lies, to just accept what they said. And since I knew they were lying about that, I decided they could be lying about everything. I started being careful about the news I watched, and keenly tuned to that kind of deceitful rhetoric. 

Today, I don't have time to sit down and watch news all day, or wait for them to get around to topics I want to know more about. Instead, I have a curated group of voices I trust and listen to. For me, it's not the channel they're on, because for a lot of them, I couldn't tell you what their network is. It's just that I've found them to be trustworthy, so far, and I appreciate the way they think and talk about issues. Two of my favorites are Ari Melber and Abby Philip. Now that Jen Psaki has a show, I listen to her.

For the most part, I'm seeing them via YouTube - short clips around 10-20 minutes, where I know the topic before I watch. Like I said, curated. But I don't always have the ability, or the need, to see the screen. I can listen to a podcast while I'm working out or driving, which could add up to a couple of hours a day. But again, the watchword is curated. Generally, I'm looking for discussions of politics that include faith without hesitating to ask hard questions about both. Heavily curated. And since I think more people should be diversifying the voices they listen to, I'll share my top five podcasts, not necessarily in any order.

1) Pass the Mic

Rev. Tyler Burns and Dr. Jemar Tisby run this blog on faith and politics. Burns is a pastor in Florida and Tisby is a historian and author of some best-selling books on American history, including The Color of Compromise. Together they host this informal and friendly blog. Episodes are generally 30-45 minutes long, and usually on recent political topics. Both of them have had some level of that exodus experience of disillusionment with the church or conservative thinking, and they ask a lot of good questions.

2) The Holy Post

This blog is generally longer at 90 minutes, but if I'm being super honest, I often skip all the jokes and intros at the beginning and start at the topics that interest me, and their production team is kind enough to set markers for each shift in the discussion. The hosts are Phil Vischer of Veggie Tales fame and Twitter infamy (apparently), author and pastor Skye Jethani, and author Kaitlin Schiess. They also have several guest hosts from time to time, including Esau McCauley, and interviews with politicians or writers or other experts on current issues.

3) The Church Politics Podcast

The AND Campaign has been working for years to produce thought and discussion that combines the best of both sides of politics, conservative and liberal. I wouldn't call them moderate, because that means to be on one side, just not as close to the edge. Instead, I'd say they're eclectic, taking thoughtful stances on various political subjects and asking hard questions about them. Justin Giboney is the founder of AND Campaign and the host of this podcast. Episodes are usually about 45 minutes, so one good workout and you're done. I don't always agree with the podcast, and sometimes I think they try a little too hard to be receptive to opposing views, but then again, their aim is to be extremely fair in representing both sides, and they do a great job at that.

4) Good Faith

Curtis Chang hosts this podcast, with David French appearing often, among other regulars. There's a slow pace to this show, and not in a bad way. The episodes are usually just under an hour, and with 2-3 people discussing, they generally stick to one subject and explore it in depth. They post usually every week, so there's a lot of content there in the back logs. 

5) Truth's Table

This is a decidedly Black and woman's perspective, with Ekemini Uwan and Christina Edmondson, both of them scholars, speakers, and activists. When they're in season, they generally post weekly, with episodes about 45 minutes. But when they finish the season and take time off, you might not hear from them for 2-3 months. Still, they're in their ninth season, so there's tons of content in the episode list, and while a lot of it is very topical and current events, a lot is also very universal, so even an episode from a few years ago can be very relevant right now.

So, these are just a few of the podcasts I listen to and that are currently radicalizing me. I'd love to hear any of your recommendations as well, so post them in the comments below or on the social media posts as well.