Recently, a close friend asked if my wife and I would be interested in having dinner with some friends of his, a young interracial couple looking to get married. Of course, I agreed, after I confirmed that free food was involved - I am, after all both a teacher and a struggling writer. But then the more I thought about it, I really had to ask myself what I would say to them, what kind of advice I would give. I'm not some marriage expert. I've read dozens of books about good marriages, but mostly because I'm always feeling like I'm not doing it right. And as for interracial marriage, I might write about it and talk about it a lot, and think about it even more, but I still have a lot more questions than answers. So, since I committed to this face-to-face, I've been trying to come up with, if not definitive answers or professional counsel, at least some lessons I've learned, mostly the hard way. Here's the top five tips that came from blindsides, mistakes, and recoveries.
1) You really are marrying the whole family.
You can say all you want that it doesn't matter what your folks think, or your siblings or aunties or cousins or whoever, but the truth is that it does. You enter a marriage with a tribe, and the ideal outcome would be to ally or even combine those tribes in your love and union. But that doesn't always happen. If your people are against the marriage for honest and legitimate reasons - age and maturity differences, hints of violence or infidelity, disparate goals - then you should probably listen and keep those eyes open before you marry, because your tribe might be trying to protect you from some dangers that your love-spelled eyes can't see. But with a mixed couple, sometimes all those "reasons" are really just coded coverups for racism. It is entirely possible that if you've never had conversations about race with your folks, because your people don't "see color" or because they don't talk about such things, then the day you bring home a partner of another race is the day you find out a whole lot of new information about your mom or dad, or some other beloved members of the family. Then what? You get left with a choice between repeatedly placing your spouse's head in the guillotine at every family event or just cutting off your family entirely. Neither choice is desirable, but I've seen both happen, and it's just one more special burden on the mixed marriage.
On the other hand, someone else would tell you stories about how the mixed marriage changed their relative's view on marriage, especially when the children enter the picture. For sure, I've seen grandpa's dead set in their bigoted ways go from Archie Bunker to Tim Walz over the love of grandkids. This sounds like a dream, a Disney movie, a very special episode. You love to see it happen, but just consider, this kind of change is a slow process, and if you're depending on the kids to bring the older generation along, you have to know that some damage is going to be done to their psyche before grandpa and grandma make their heartwarming conversion in act three. I'm not saying that this is a dealbreaker for mixed couples, just something you need to be aware of before you commit to the journey.
2) It matters where you live.
My wife and I live in South Florida. We've lived in Miami, Ft. Lauderdale, and Hollywood, and everywhere we go, we're reasonable certain that we're going to be in an area that is culturally and ethnically diverse. In other words, mixed couples are a thing down here, so much so that it doesn't even cause a blip on most people's radar.
That said, we (and by we, I mean she) still encounter racism in different ways, but that's for another blog.
Our bubble is as safe as we could reasonably expect, because we have curated our lives to maximize our comfort and the safety of our kids. Still, we live in Florida, so whenever we travel a little too far north or south, we have become aware that the protection afforded us by our culture and geography only extends so far. In other parts of the state, and the country, we get the looks, sometimes even the thinly veiled comments, and other times, the poor service or treatment that we strongly sense has a racist underpinning. One thing to think about if you're a mixed couple approaching a life commitment is where you're going to live. How much racism are you willing to tolerate if you can avoid it by moving someplace else? There is the idea among some about sticking around and using your love and commitment to bring about change in the community. If that's your goal, then you're doing the Lord's work. Also, you're better than me, because I tend not to go where me and mine aren't wanted, so long as I can avoid it. There isn't a coffee shop in existence that will get my money in return for poor service and degradation. Not a city either, for that matter.
3) But what about the kids?
The one question I always got when before I married, especially from all those well-meaning, but secretly racist relatives, was "But what about the children?" "They won't know what they are," they said, "Both sides will reject them," and other nonsense. For one, when someone tells you that if you have mixed kids, then "both sides will reject them," they actually just told you that they will reject your kids, and you should believe them. But the idea that mixed kids won't know who they are will only be true if you fail to teach them. They need to grow up in a home where it's understood that they are many things, that all those things are wonderful, and that they can slide in and out of the many facets of their identity without accepting the criticism that they are "turning Black."
It's true that society will see biracial kids as Black first, and sometimes Black only, but there are two reasons for that. First, because American society has been steeped in a "one-drop"rule that very few want to talk about. But second, for better or for worse, African Americans have a far stronger understanding of their culture and place in society, because they had to, just to survive. Unfortunately, many white Americans have allowed their cultural heritage to be subsumed in whiteness because of the privilege it afforded and because American society has such an us/them mindset. Now may be the time to get back in touch with your Irish, Italian, English, Slavic or whatever roots. The kids will be fine if they understand who they are, and that understanding and confidence will flow from their parents' attitude and teaching.
4) Ask questions.
Sometimes I hear about interracial couples who say the secret to their getting along is that they "don't see race," or "it just never comes up." If it's working for them, then mazel, but it makes the hair on the back of my neck stand up whenever I hear it. It always sounds to me like a house in which the problems of one or both lovers are unspeakable, and that doesn't sit right to me. Maybe they don't talk about those things because they're painful, and there's still a little reservation about sharing that with someone of another race, even a lover. Maybe they don't talk about it because they don't know how, how to bring it up, how to keep it, relatively, impersonal. But maybe they don't talk about it because one party just doesn't want to hear it. Doesn't want to hear that the community they love doesn't love their partner in the same way. Doesn't want to hear that some things are more difficult for their wife or husband, specifically because of racism.
Doesn't want to hear that they need to have a serious talk with their mama about racism.
Part of the joy, the beauty, the delight of interracial marriage is late night conversations about race. Propping your head up in the darkness and asking the soul-baring questions like, "Why do white people do that?" and "Why is it so doggone expensive to get your hair done?" Just this week, I watched a TikTok reel (I do not accept your judgment) about a Black woman discussing how certain white women either refuse to believe that Black women can be beautiful or get very offended when Black women get attention for their beauty. The woman in the reel was talking about an experience on a European vacation, and with such insight into the psychology and culture of the matter that I was intrigued. I brought it up to my wife, who is not only beautiful but also far more well-traveled than I. My questions were, have you ever observed this dynamic, white women either surprised or offended that people find you beautiful, and is it true that women in Europe really dress up to go anywhere. The response was yes on both counts.
Just think - a conversation like that not only educates me about racial dynamics and gives me some context to apply to some of our future (maybe even past) interactions with people, but it also brings us closer as a couple. Just asking an intimate question like that allows me to step, carefully, into the most delicate rooms of my wife's house of memories. And racial questions are very intimate, which is why we're often so afraid to ask them.
5) Protect each other.
At some point, when you get married, it really is just the two of you against the world. When your mother is running down your husband, you have to stand up for him - where he can see you do it. When your cousin is assaulting your wife with racist comments at Thanksgiving and repeating those talking points he heard on Fox News, you have to get involved, in front of everyone, and firmly, so that nobody gets up the nerve to do it ever again. My sisters, nothing will inspire your man to fidelity and affection more than seeing you take his side. My brothers, nothing will secure your woman's love and encouragement than watching you rush to her defense. For the men, especially, I'm not advocating violence, but let's just say it may become necessary to use your strongest body language when Cousin Eddy passes his place with your beloved wife. There is no upside to protecting the peace or allowing Cousin Eddy to save face if it means you go home to a partner who no longer believes that you will protect and defend them.
This is so much more impactful when the issue is racism. Having had a couple of conversations with Black folks, I can say with confidence that the majority are very used to loving white "allies" only to be abandoned to their own defense at the first sign of tension or conflict. They are very accustomed to lots of talk about race behind closed doors, only to find out that their friend is more concerned about his family's dignity than theirs. It's always "But I don't think she meant it like that," or "Don't you think you're being too sensitive," or, worst of all, "Mom's just been having a stressful week, don't take any of that seriously." Conflict, especially family conflict, is intimidating, awkward, stressful, and downright scary, but so many good things can come from standing up for your partner in those moments. Your family will be far less likely to get out of pocket ever again. Your partner will trust you more than ever. And you will experience a little bit of what your partner goes through, and even take the burden of defending themselves off their shoulders for once. Conversely, look at it from the other side. If you couldn't depend on your partner to protect you in those types of conflicts, could you trust them to have your back at all? In any difficult situation?
This is a long one, I know, and if you got this far, I hope you got something worthwhile out of it. Like I said, I'm no expert, no counselor, and I'm sure I've made my own mistakes. That's also part of marriage, especially interracial marriage. The thing is, while it poses unique problems, it also offers unique opportunities for closeness and personal growth. I guess my suggestion to this couple would be to think about interracial marriage before doing it, and then commit to the interracial part just as much as the marriage part.
