Who's the Man?

I've noticed that a lot of pastors and other evangelical pundits that pop up in my Twitter feed are very worried about the state of manliness these days.

For them, the true and proper - Biblical - definition of manliness, includes boldness in speech and authority in home, work, and church. It definitely means getting married, preferably young.

For many of them, manliness also includes looking the part - wearing the manliest of clothes and sporting a long, lush beard.

It's really been getting to me lately. Not for myself, of course. Goodness, no. But I have this friend I'm specifically worried about. 

I've known this guy for years now, and he doesn't fit the description of manliness at all, not even a little. It's the kind of thing I never really noticed before, but now, with all the emphasis on this biblical manhood, it's like I can't unsee it. I always thought of him as different, for sure, but not necessarily in a bad way.

Let me explain what I mean. For starters, this guy is in his thirties and unmarried, which is not necessarily so bad. A lot of guys just have bad luck in this area, for various reasons, and to be honest, my friend is, shall we say, aesthetically challenged. What I mean is, he ain't exactly good-looking. And yet, the womenfolk seem to flock to him. I wish I had half the charisma this guy has when I was single. Women are just naturally drawn to him, but it's like he doesn't even notice. No flirting, no dating, no "courting." Nothing. As far as I can tell, he's never even had a girlfriend. He never talks about even liking some woman, much less getting married some day or having kids. I'm not sure he's even interested.

To be clear, he's also a self-appointed preacher, although he's never been approved or ordained by any church or denomination I know of. He was endorsed by another famous preacher that a lot of people have heard of, but I'd rather not name here. But this guy is similarly outside the norm when it comes to masculinity, as well as a bunch of other stuff - unmarried as well, on top of being anti-capitalist and just all around odd. He laid hands on my friend at the beginning of my friend's career as a preacher, and then promptly got himself cancelled for saying some pretty harsh stuff about our local political leadership. 

Anyway, if it were just the unmarried thing, that wouldn't be so much, even though, as I said, he's surrounded by eligible, beautiful women. He's also overly affectionate with the guys. I mean, I suppose it's a part of his culture (he's not American), but he's the type to be kissing dudes on the cheek in greeting. If I'm being perfectly candid, it makes me a little uncomfortable. Also, he comes from one of those foot-washing traditions, and he tried to make us all do it the other night, like literally wash our feet. None of the other guys in the group have said anything about it, but I feel like they must notice, especially since there's one guy in our group that he's especially affectionate with. The two of them always sit together wherever we go, and even if you chalk up the kissing to cultural greeting standards, the two of them seem to always be leaning on each other or sitting with one's arm around the other, if you know what I'm saying. Close. 

Then there's the way he carries himself. I've seen him get cussed at and not even say anything back. He'll get hit and just take it, not even defend himself, at all. 

And on that note, I have to confess something that might make me look bad to some people, but I think it's important to note concerning his lack of manliness, specifically when it comes to sticking up for himself. So, among our group of guys, we have this sort of informal organization, a kind of club we put together to travel and spread the gospel. The club funds are supposed to be for travel expenses, advertising materials, messaging, event coordination, and sometimes charitable giving. Now, I'm in charge of the money we collect, from each other as well as donations, sort of the club treasurer. It's a volunteer position, completely unpaid, but it's also a lot of work. So, occasionally, I use some of the club funds for my personal expenses. Not much, and only because with all the time I spend on club business and the way the economy is lately, I'm really struggling. The thing is, I'm pretty sure my friend knows about this, and he hasn't said anything. He just won't confront me about it, which makes me think either he's too weak to speak up, or he doesn't care. In addition, some of the local pastors are concerned about him as well, and have been talking to me about getting my help to get him to quit preaching, maybe even expose some the stuff I'm talking about to get people to stop listening to him. Now, I know for sure he knows about these pastors and I talking about him, because he low-key brought it up the last time we all had dinner together. He just threw out there that he knew someone in the group was thinking about betraying him, and even though he didn't call me out by name, he looked at me later on and said basically, "do what you have to do." I don't want to be a bad friend, but these pastors are offering some real money for my help, and I'm thinking about taking it. And I'm pretty sure he knows all this, but he's too effeminate to do anything about it.

I wonder what some of these "theobro" pastors and Christian pundits would think of my friend - an unmarried man with no interest in women or romance, who refuses to stick up for himself, wouldn't crush a grape in a fruit fight, is overly affectionate with the guys, and doesn't even work out. A guy who openly preaches that Christians should be meek and put themselves last.

On the other hand, his his beard game is pretty fierce.

Bread Alone

I might need to get back into therapy.

It's been a couple of rough years for everyone, and the normal level of animosity and defensiveness in society has ratcheted up to the point where marriages, families, and churches are exploding in gory messes of latent hostility. It may be that we've all got recent trauma that needs healing, or it may be that the age of social media and politics has revealed our true selves, no longer content to hide behind an avatar. Either way, people ain't right, and we could all use some help with our mental health, myself included. 

A tall apartment building made of brick with a weathered sign on the

side that reads, "How are you, really?"

Photo by Finn on Unsplash

And yet, there are so many voices discouraging us from pursuing that help, dissuading us from seeking out mental health specialists. For men especially, it's a taboo, something that flies in the face of the tough guy stereotype that pervades our culture in film and music, even the church. Maybe even especially the church. I can't even count how many times I've seen pastors or so-called theobros on Twitter mocking therapy as some kind of safe space for sissies, or worse, something anti-god or anti-Christian.

In their anti-therapy rants (which generally expose both their ignorance and their need for therapy) a lot of them like to quote Matthew 4:4, "Man shall not live by bread alone, but by every word that comes from the mouth of God." It seems like a dunk on those who need therapy to help correct situations like grief, depression, or marital and family issues. The thing about Jesus' words there is that he doesn't say that we don't need bread, just that faith and specifically Scripture is as life-giving to our soul as food is to our body. It would be stupid to say that we could survive without food - or medicine, or education, or family, or any number of the necessities of life - as long as we read the Bible enough. Another way I've seen it said is that "Scripture is sufficient." This might sound a lot more spiritual, but again, what does it mean? What is Scripture sufficient for? Certainly for faith and salvation, but for cooking advice? For medical counseling? For depression or any other mental health issues? At the risk of sounding blasphemous, can the Scriptures alone, separate from all the science and data from the last few decades, help me raise my kids when our situation is complicated? There seems to be a whole lot of ground left uncovered between the "spare the rod and spoil the child" of the Old Testament and the "Fathers, do not provoke your children to anger" of the New Testament. As a parent, how am I supposed to fill in those gaps?

Furthermore, for blended families, the need for both family therapy and personal therapy is even more crucial. It should almost be a requirement. I have to admit, I was slow to embrace therapy in the beginning of our marriage. My wife pushed for it nearly from the beginning. I, on the other hand, thought we had some normal problems that time and love would work out. I knew how much my kids and I had benefitted from therapy during those years of single fatherhood, but I wanted to believe that we had outgrown that need now that we were a new, happy family. Ultimately, things got hot enough that I had to admit that she was right, and we found a good family and marriage counselor to help us out. I don't think our family dynamic would have turned out as well as it did without that help and guidance.

Conventional church wisdom told me to talk to the pastor, or read the Bible more. Those are certainly necessary aspects of the solution, but, alone, not going to produce results. Blended families are different. Blended families are born out of pain and trauma. Somebody died. Somebody left. Everybody suffered. Stepchildren and stepparents, as well as adopted children and adopted parents, have unique traumas that require more healing that a well-intentioned, but untrained, pastor can provide. Generally speaking, most pastors are men, married, have never been through divorce, and lack extensive training in marriage counseling. Pastors, even the best, most highly educated ones, may have studied theology extensively, but only taken one or two courses in counseling, if that. Many MDiv programs don't require it at all. Both experientially and professionally, they lack the tools to actually guide broken families towards healing, and may do more harm than good. 

And beware of Christian counselors who have special practices in counseling, but also lack the credentials or experience to deal with issues involving mental health. I'm not saying that a Christian counselor is not adequate or even preferable, but as with any specialist, we should make sure we ask the right questions and look past the cross hanging on the wall of their office to the diplomas and certifications hanging there as well.

To make it even more complicated, there is a pervasive but often unspoken aversion in the church to taking our flaws and failures outside our faith "bubbles." After all, we're supposed to be the city on a hill, we don't get depressed or anxious, and if we do, prayer and fasting drives it away like roaches when the light comes on. Our children respond perfectly to the prescribed methods of discipline, and our marriages are all glorious pictures of Christ and his Bride, right? It feels like a betrayal to the church to look for guidance outside its walls.

We'd rather starve than eat the bread in the bakery right across the street and admit that we need help that the church doesn't provide.

So, in case you needed permission or a little push to start searching for a therapist in your area, now you have it. Whether that means you are seeking help with mental health or family issues, do your research, get references, and get started. If you need more encouragement, here's a couple of podcast episodes that might help.

The first is from Truth's Table, back in April of 2022, discussing the need for therapy in general, but more specifically for matters of church hurt and even spiritual abuse. Imagine having trauma related to the church, or even a pastor, and being told to just read the Bible more or sit down with other church officials to find healing.

The second is from a podcast created by a couple of friends of mine called Michel Matters. In this episode, among other topics, they discuss therapy and its usefulness in their lives. 

As much as I hope that you get something out of these podcasts, please remember that media is no replacement for professional help from a mental health or family therapist. Just like physical therapy after an accident or some trauma to the body, the sooner you get started, the sooner healing begins.