This Labor Day weekend, I had my oldest daughter watch all of my younger kids, as well as her kids, in my house so my wife and I could get away for the weekend. We spent three night at a Disney resort, savored the Epcot Food and Wine Festival, and enjoyed the comforts of expensive resort restaurants and extravagant resort king size beds. It was glorious. Three nights with no responsibilities except what we owe each other, three mornings with no reasons to get up early and no interlopers sneaking into our bed, and three dinners with grown-up food and nobody making a mess. Except for that one time, but that bread was really buttery and my wife gets tipsy with even one drink.
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| Photo by John McArthur on Unsplash |
The trip probably boosted the bonds of our marriage more in three days than three months of therapy could. Just the freedom to focus on each other as grownups, as partners and lovers, and still know that our kids were safe and entertained by their big sister. For any marriage, in any state, at any time, I recommend a weekend getaway for rejuvenating the spirit of the relationship.
But it costs money.
Luckily, we're at a place where money is no longer the stressor that it used to be. We both have good incomes and we keep expenses low, just so we can do these types of things when we want to. But I remember when things were different. I remember times in our marriage when the little kids were even littler, babies that had round the clock needs, and no trusted adults close enough to even babysit for date night, let alone overnight trips out of town. That feeling of pressure, like the scene in Temple of Doom when the spiked walls are closing in on Indy and Short Round and vicious bugs are underfoot everywhere, was sometimes an accurate description of the way the house felt. No escaping the responsibilities of parenthood, no time to focus on each other, no conversation except about bills that needed to pay, or hadn't been paid, or what sacrifices we'd have to make this month to pay them. Every day was like the day before, waking up to financial and personal stresses in the morning and begging for sleep at night to escape them for a few hours.
Poor people don't go on marriage retreats. They just work more and harder to keep all the plates spinning, find joy in each other in the fleeting moments when they all spin flat and fast, and try not to curse each other when one falls and breaks. They might want to take vacations, family vacations to delight the kids and bond the entire family together, or couples vacations to keep the fires of love and romance burning, anything to escape the pressures of suburban struggle and poverty.
But it costs money.
Compared to the way I grew up, even the hardest, most financially delicate times in my marriage have been like a glow up. I don't remember any actual family vacations growing up, except maybe to visit grandma or other family. Even those were days-long road trips fraught with fights about fast food orders and vehicle breakdowns in the worst, most remote places in the country. There may have been some bonding once we got to grandma's house, for sure, but it came at the cost of a nearly perilous journey, with the dread of a return trip hanging over our heads the entire time. I remember one cross-country trip when the Volkswagen van broke down and, instead of fixing it, our dad had the brilliant idea of push starting it the rest of the way. Brilliant idea, I know, except that Mom had no idea how to pop a clutch, so she and I had to push that van up to fifteen miles an hour so Dad could start it, and then run alongside to catch up.
After. Every. Single. Stop.
Maybe this is why I put so much effort and emphasis into vacations for my family today, and why I'm so glad to finally be in a position where I can take short retreats with my bride. It gives me so much joy to see everybody - wife, kids, and grandkids - all loving each other and exploring new places and activities. It renews my faith in my marriage to spend that kind of alone time with my wife - without responsibilities to make us nag at each other or distractions to make us neglect each other.
But it costs money.
While we were away, I was already planning the next trip, reading articles about travel tips and ways to save money and still vacation like rich people. One thread I came across on Twitter talked about a father hiring a nanny for the kids while on vacation, and what a game-changer it was to be able to break off from the kids at any time and trust them to professional care, to be able to switch modes from parents to lovers at any time on the vacation. He made it sound so good. Still, I couldn't get my mind off of two considerations. First, when am I ever going to have enough money to pay for five days of round-the-clock professional child care, even at the lowest rates going? And second, when does the nanny go on vacation? What happens to her marriage while she's babysitting my kids in some luxury resort so I can spend too much money on some surf and turf? What do her kids do for fun while she's on vacation with me?
I'm just grateful that our crazy, mixed and blended family provides us with the support system to spend some time away. We can keep the grandkids for days while my daughter takes a break, albeit a single mom hustle style break, or catches up on school work or cleaning. My daughter can give us a regular date night, something we haven't been able to do for years since we married, because hiring a babysitter means spending at least $50 on a romantic evening even before you walk out the door, not to mention the pressure of getting home on time because the babysitter can't just sleep over like my daughter can. I almost want to say that I don't know how poor people do it, how they navigate the pressures of marriage, but the truth is that I do know, because I've been there. They fight. They get fed up with poverty and take their stresses out on each other. They grow further and further apart with fewer and fewer opportunities for bonding. And sometimes they divorce.
And ironically, that, too, costs money.
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